January 1, 2010 10:00 AM

The best way to contact me is by email. You probably already have my address, but if not, try the web form below.

The worst way to contact me is …

1. Phoning my landline, which I'll answer if I'm free, but if I'm on another call or not within earshot the call will usually be diverted to my mobile. For maximum annoyance, impatient callers should only let the phone ring once or twice, giving me just enough time to stop what I was doing, but not enough time to pick up the phone.

2. Having failed to get hold of me on the landline, annoying callers should now ring my mobile, despite most of the time being a pointless exercise as they'll already have been diverted there when they called the landline, and most likely will have left a message on the mobile phone's voicemail saying they'll call me on my mobile. However, that won't stop them now leaving a message saying they've called my landline and left a message there, which of course by the time I'm listening to this voicemail I already know because (a) the preceding voicemail message was from them, and (b) I have caller ID.

3. Not content with leaving two messages on my mobile phone, annoying callers should now send a text message to say that they've left two messages for me, which of course I already know because they arrived at my mobile phone, and oddly enough that's also where text messages arrive.

4. Only now should annoying callers send me an email saying only that they've left two messages and sent a text message, but haven't heard back from me. Of course, I already know this, because I check my email on my mobile phone, so will have already seen the times and locations of the earlier messages.

You'll notice at no point has the caller actually said what the call was actually about, and since I can now reasonably expect further messages to follow in the form of a fax, a note under my car windscreen or strapped to the leg of a carrier pigeon (each dutifully describing the previous means of delivery) my best strategy is to wait until the actual question arrives.

P.s. Some of you may have noticed that there's no web form here - please email me to remind me to do it. Thank you.